Advice Columnist Says Estranged Children Need Space to Heal

R. Eric Thomas told a reader on Nov. 3 that silence from a child is often a necessary part of healing after a family conflict. The columnist responded to a father who has not heard from his 14-year-old daughter in more than a year. The girl moved to Florida with her grandparents after a heated argument between her parents. The father admitted he called his wife names during the fight, an action he promised to avoid. Thomas said the father’s ability to acknowledge his role in the marriage breakdown is a healthy sign. He noted that the daughter is grappling with issues that are not easily healed. The columnist advised the father to write a specific apology if he has not done so already. If the daughter remains unresponsive, Thomas said the father needs to give her more time. He urged the reader not to view the silence as a prohibition on fixing the relationship. Instead, Thomas argued that space is part of the repair process. Continuing to work on oneself will make the father a healthier parent when the daughter is ready to reconnect.

In a second letter, a mother asked how estrangement should affect estate planning. Her oldest son has cut ties with the family multiple times. He lived with the parents until age 32 despite their efforts to help him become independent. He stopped speaking to them for a year after moving out, then resumed contact during the pandemic when he needed a place to live. The parents hosted his wedding in Italy in 2024 and provided substantial financial support to him and his wife. In January 2026, the family took a trip to Chile at the parents' expense. The son attended the trip but behaved badly, after which he stopped speaking to them again. The mother is inclined to leave her estate entirely to her younger son. She wants to avoid burdening the younger brother with guilt or resentment over a decision that belongs to the parents. The two brothers are currently not speaking, largely due to the older son's behavior.

Thomas told the mother that she cannot protect her younger son from his brother's potential resentment. He said the older son's feelings are his own responsibility, regardless of how the estate is divided. The younger son has been affected by his brother's behavior throughout their lives. It is possible that the younger son resents the amount of money given to his older brother. It is also possible that he would resent having to split the estate. Thomas suggested thinking of the sons separately. The parents are not compelled to leave the older son anything because his relationship with them is fractured. This decision does not directly involve the younger brother. The parents can explain their decision to the older son in advance or include a letter in the will. However, Thomas warned that this might invite more conflict into a difficult relationship. If the brothers eventually reconcile, the younger son is free to do what he pleases with the estate, including splitting it.

The column appears in The Denver Post. Readers can send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474 in Philadelphia. He also maintains a website and an Instagram account for his weekly newsletter.